Since it’s almost Christmas and you know you’re going to get toiletries anyway, perhaps you aught to try dropping some hints about which products you’re looking forward to receiving.

Most years I get something that smells like a boiled cat from my kids. When they start dropping hints it’s like a carpet bombing campaign right out of the battle plan from Operation Buy Me A Puppy, funny, you’re not supposed to do that when you’re dropping hints to your kids that you’d prefer something that didn’t smell like a freshly laundered pair of tramp’s pants but something a little more classy, something like Molton Brown bath and shower products. Might be nice, eh? Good luck with that. I know my woman loves me but I swear she must be anosmic or something based on some of the shaving and bathing products she’s spent money on in the past. Perhaps standing in the local department store under the influence of mulled wine and egg nog impaired her reason, but honestly, novelty character Christmas bath and shower products? I know she was being cute as it was supposed to be from the kids but even they have better self control when it comes to impulse purchasing than that!

I’m on the verge of self-harming, in as much as cutting myself so that I can subtly request some Elemis or L’ Occitane shaving product, mind you, at this time of year I’m almost driven to it anyway, whether or not I’m after decent grooming gifts. Ooh, Christmas drives me absolutely bonkers. It’s not as if I’m religious but it just aggravates me so much that for three months we’re assaulted with the message that the only way we can prove how much we love our families, friends, neighbours, work colleagues, even the temporary postman who’s standing in for the guy that delivers your mail the rest of the year, is to throw our credit cards at every Chip And pin Machine in Christendom!

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